After 25 Years, I am choosing me

 Twenty Five years ago today my mom took her last breath. Her cancer and Emphysema ridden body gave out. At age 53 she was 12 years into her second marriage, had four adult children, had been a grandparent for 13 years and miraculously, she was sober for 20 years. She had lived many lives at this point. It was her time to move onto her final role, a memory. 

A friend also has her moms 25 year deathiversary coming up next month.  She suggested we do something special to honor these women.  My mind raced…what could I do to honor the woman who gave me life?  I talk to her often, I tell stories of her to my husband and son, whom she never met. I often think of what she would say about current family happenings. She always had impactful insights and her opinion mattered. This woman sacrificed her time, her finances, her career aspirations and herself for us kids. She never got the chance to choose herself as she was always in survival mode.  She was constantly navigating a turbulent sea with a partially inflated life vest.  The only selfish thing she did was become sober.  Her only self care practice was to not drink and take everyday one day at a time.  Even her selfish act was a form of survival.  

Today, I decided, I am going to choose me. This is her last gift and lesson for me.  If I want to do more than just survive this precious life, I need to take care of me, inside and out.  Mentally & Physically.  Boundaries will need to be set and some broken. Goals and dreams will be part of my daily vocabulary.  I am a parent, spouse, sibling, friend and so many other countless roles.  I have responsibilities and obligations which will still be met. It took 25 years for this lesson to finally absorb and I couldn’t be more appreciative.  

As always, I love and miss you, mom…and thank you for still parenting me from wherever you are.

I hear you. 

Signed,

Babykins