Wishy Washy, Flip Flop

16 years ago this week, I sat vigil by my mom’s hospital bedside.  We were told the end was near, that they could only keep her comfortable, extreme measures couldn’t help her, not even a miracle. I waited, hoped, dreading what was going to come.  The Bereavement minister who actually knew my mom for years, told us we needed to tell her it was OK for her to go.  She needed to hear from us, despite being coherent, that we supported her and that we were letting her go.  She needed to know we would be “ok” without her.  So, that is what I did, I told her it was OK to go.  Over and Over.  All-week-long.  Every morning after the Doctors made their rounds, I would head to my In-laws to shower and get cleaned up before returning back to the hospital.  In the shower I would cry, scream and sometimes vomit.  I wasn’t “OK” with her leaving.  I didn’t want to be alone, abandoned.  I begged God-My Higher Power-whoever to please let her come back to us, to continue to be our rock and glue.  But yet, when I returned to the hospital, I begged God-My Higher Power-whoever to take her, to ease her pain, to make it all over and done with.

Some may say this is mixed messages.  For me, it is the constant battle between my heart and my head.  That internal war produces feelings that change continually.  I was always fortunate enough to have a mom who said, “Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are.”  I always used my feelings as a guide in my decisions.  Depending on the minute, hour, day or week I am following my heart or my head.  This isn’t a Change of Heart, or Changing of my mind. This is a result of that constant battle.  There is no such thing as contradiction. It is all depending on what is winning the war at that moment.

Today I see this divergence within me in all aspects of my life.  With my son, there are morning drives to school (15-20 minute commute) that I can’t wait to push him out the car door when we arrive because we are at such odds with each others.  Then 30 seconds later, I pull over to send him a text because I don’t want our last moments to be arguing.  As we all know…you never know if something may happen.  Heart won.

A few months back, my job was eliminated.  Initially, my heart screamed in pain, but then my head took over.  I was able to scour, network and land a new job within the 7 weeks.  Being that I carry the health benefits for all of us, I couldn’t let my sadness; devastation and resentment get in the way of providing for my family. Head won.

It is common for people to look back at their education and career choices and wonder if they made the right decisions.  The best part of this reflection is realizing how much work-life we still have ahead of us, and it isn’t too late to upgrade, change or enhance your skills.  My head is telling me to get my Masters Degree and keep building upon my professional career in the corporate healthcare arena.  My heart is saying do something you are passionate about like Massage.  This battle has yet to be determined. 

The analogy of “glass half full or half empty” isn’t about positive attitude; it is a result of this heart VS head issue.  Depending on the clash, my head is feeling guilty or my heart if heavy.    In the last few years I have been told by friends and family that I flip-flop on my decisions and they can’t seem to keep up.  Please know I am not doing this to confuse you, it is just me, being caught in the moment of my heart and my head.  I don’t expect you to keep you with me, just support me.