Lost and Found

After my mom’s death, I would use the term – “I lost my mom”. In hindsight, I think I was the one who was really lost. She was fortunate to be somewhere better and full of healthy life.


Over the years I have seen peoples “loss”. During the last year, I watched a friend mourn her husband who died after a short battle with brain tumors. I have no idea of the waking hours she endures or the sleepless nights. My heart breaks for her and her daughters. But I don’t know that “loss” and I have not walked in her shoes.

I think I have protected my mental psyche against any future possible “losses”. I have built walls up around me, thought of the dreaded “what if” scenarios and made mental plans to address if and when they happen. I have done this in regards to my job, finances, my family, friends and my pets. But there is still one person on this Earth, that I have avoided such “what if” thoughts…my son.

I have always been over protective. I make sure sunscreen is applied, helmets are worn, doors are locked, seatbelts are on, lifejackets worn and given every possible talk to him about safety. Yes, I have created a bubble (in my head) of safeness around him. Part of my twisted mind think that if I SAY a horrible scenario, it will never happen. Like a reverse Jinx. (I never said I thought clearly!) My siblings tease me, that if anyone enters that bubble (even if it is just teasing him) or crosses me, they will suffer “the wraith of Krissy”. They are correct.

As a family we started skiing and snowboarding, even with my apprehensiveness about the safety aspect. It took me a little bit, but I trust Noah with his judgment and feel he won’t push too hard. Yes, he is a boy and “boys will be boys”, but overall he is a safe kid. When he asked to go to the Ski Club, riding on a bus with other students and snowboarding, then returning on the bus, I was nervous. But, I reminded myself that he knows his limits and it will be OK.

The day of the first ski/boarding trip I was nervous. I wondered if he would “get lost” and not get on the bus for the ride home. I fretted that he would lose his money and then not be able to eat or drink anything. I worried that “if” something happened, would he know what to do, how to ask for help. All night I kept my phone with me, but I was still on edge. I had opportunities to go out for some cocktails and I even had an opportunity to participate as a “hair model” and get some style back into my head. But I turned them all down, just “in case”. After a few hours of Wii competitions, I grabbed a drink of water. Wouldn’t you know, I missed Noah’s call to say he had been hurt? I wasn’t THERE to take his call. Automatically, I felt like I failed him and me. Evidently, Noah was boarding down a hill when an adult skier struck him from the back. Noah’s helmet was cracked, which I think was how the skiers pole broke in 2 pieces. Noah was knocked out, momentarily. That helmet saved his life.

It wasn’t until day or so after the accident that it really occurred to me, I could have “lost” Noah. That is my Achilles heel. The mind works in mysterious ways, which is probably why I couldn’t even go down the path of “what ifs” in terms of “losing” him. Even as I have “lost” someone in the past and have witnessed “loss” at unbearable degrees, my safety bubble has enclosed and blocked that scenario out of my mind.

Since Noah lives in my house half of the time, there are nights he isn’t home. Often, I walk into his room and touch his pillow, close my eyes and say good night in hopes he can somehow feel me when he is going to sleep at his dads. I will whisper the dog or cat, “Noah is coming home tonight”, just to keep his presence known in the house. He is usually gone only for a few days. Since I know it is only a few days, I can miss him but know it will be short-lived. If he weren’t wearing a helmet, what would I be whispering to the house about his return?


Over the years, I have tried to justify why I had to “lose” my mom when I was only 23. I believe this is one of those times when she was watching out for us. If she wouldn’t have been “lost” and able to be his guardian angel, I may have “lost” him. This is the only time I have found peace in her absence. Finally. Thank you, Mom, for sacrificing yourself to watch over us.