I was blessed to have a natural father, but also a step dad. My step dad, Ron, was the one that lived in the same house as me as I grew up. Each of them has played important roles in my life, at different points. It is almost as if the two of them were in a relay race, passing the baton back and forth as to who would parent me.
From as early as I can remember, Ron was in my life, as my stepparent. The legal marriage didn’t take place until I was 10, but he was present before then. Not many men would take on a single mother with four kids spanning over 10 years. Ron did. He opened up his home to us and we moved in. More than just food and shelter, he taught me values that would shape who I was.
Ron and I had a unique relationship. Being the youngest of 4, I didn’t have the experience of living with my mom and dad, as a family, like my older siblings did. They were divorced by the time I was one year old. Maybe that is why my relationship with Ron was so unique. He was immediately kind to me assumed the position of being a father figure.
I had never traveled outside the bordering states of Wisconsin, until at age 13, Ron took my mom, sister and I across the country to California to visit his daughter. We stopped at National Parks and scenes that every American should see in their lifetime. There was Yellowstone Park, the Old Faithful Geyser, The Four Corners, Wall Drug, Mesa Verde National Park, the Grand Canyon and countless other landmarks. We even stopped in Las Vegas for a few days. While mom and Ron did the casinos, my sister and I walked the Strip (which in 1987 was dramatically different than today) and lounged at the pool. We spent a few days in Los Angeles with trips to Venice Beach and Disney Land. Ironically, the day Ron passed away I spoke of this trip, in detail, to my husband, son and step kids. I vocalized my desire to take our kids on this same journey (minus Las Vegas!).
But more than just giving me the opportunity to travel, Ron was a father figure to me. With his heavy involvement as a President of the local AFL-CIO Union, he taught me what true Democracy was and how to achieve it. He was a member of the Madison Police and Fire Commission, which he used as a catalyst to encourage me to be a service provider, in ANY capacity I could. He stressed the more you give the more you will receive. He took me to my first “job” when I was 12. He volunteered at the Badger Football home games, doing the chains on the sidelines. He arranged for me to work the concessions, walking up and down the stadium steps yelling out “hot dogs, get your hot dogs here”. When I was initially embarrassed by the 20% commission paying job, he told me I should never shy away from a job because of what others would think, because in the end, it would only be my hard work and determination that would put $$ in my pocket.
Ron worked at “Ma Bell” for his career years. You may know this company as Wisconsin Bell or Ameritech. He was regimented in his schedule. He got up, showered, had breakfast, left for work, returned from work at the same time Monday – Friday. He was of the generation that you put your time in with a company and you will earn steady raise increases and job security. Thank God he retired before the 2000’s when the economy tanked and those valued employees were seen as a financial liability. I always valued his longevity and dedication to his employer and community service.
Every Christmas, Ron would address holiday cards to the Mailman, the Garbage person and the paperboy. He would give cash, as a thank you for their service. To this day, I do the same.
When it came time to think of college, I didn’t think it would be possible to go. But, Ron encouraged me and told me it would only help my future. He even assisted me in applying for grants and scholarships, which I ended up winning one through the Labor Union.
It has been said that Ron was “old fashion” or “stubborn” in his thoughts of a home, roles and responsibilities, work ethic and parenting. But for me, it was the foundation I needed to get through my youth with structure. When Ron’s stubbornness would subside along with my youthful defiance, there was always a hug from him, to assure me everything was OK and that it was OK to have different viewpoints.
I would be missing a key point if I didn’t mention that my mom met Ron through AA. Growing up with my mom and step dad was growing up with the Higher Power (HP) as my “god”. Ron referred to our powerlessness to addictions, and by asking our HP for guidance, we would eventually get an answer. Our religion was the 12 Steps. Our congregation was anyone touched by alcoholism.
When it came to primary discipline, asking permission or basic day-to-day life necessities, my mom was the primary go to person. Ron would never interfere, unless I completely overstepped my limits, which was rarely since Mom and Ron had a very open parental relationship with me. Almost like a fixture, you would find Ron sitting in his chair, in the living room watching TV, reading the paper or napping. I knew I could always sit on the couch and open up conversation and he would be attentive. It is then that we talked politics, school, National news and every other topic I would bring up.
I am not idolizing Ron as perfect. No one is perfect as a person or as a parent. But for me, he served a purpose, and helped form the definition as a stepfather to me. Thank you, mom, for bringing Ron into my life. Now that I myself am a stepparent, I reflect often on the core values he instilled upon me. What do I want to teach Jake and Cortney? What messages is my husband giving Noah? Step parenting is an endless journey. I am thankful to Ron for giving me the foundation to which I can build my own role as a stepparent on.
The baton has passed for the last time, as Ron has entered the eternal life in Heaven. He will be greeted by my mom, who will show him the importance of reaching down to Earth, every so often, and give their loved ones signs they are around us all the time. I am awaiting one of those signs. But if they are as subtle as the way he taught me values and goals, I may not see them so easily – but walk through life with them swirling around me all the time.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Kids and cell phones
When should kids get cell phones?
With technology today, we have so many advantages that we didn’t years ago. Using email or texting now easily dodges a once painful conversation. We have all heard how Brett Favre retired (or was it unretired) via text – or maybe it was when he decided to play for the Vikings – either way, it was done via text. It wasn’t an awkward phone call or in front of a press conference.
In high school I worked at least 20 hours a week. But, I was still a teenager and sometimes I would be scheduled to work when my friends were planning an event that I was SURE would ruin me if I missed. So, everyone once in awhile, I had to “call in sick”. This wasn’t easily done. I would have to craft my excuse then contemplate how I would sound on the phone. There was always hesitation, some cold sweats and an adrenaline rush that came along doing such a scheme. Once the manager was on the phone, I would map out what I had planned in my head and then there would be the silence. Once they said “ok”, I was off the hook and ready to enjoy my sick time.
Today, if I have a DR appt, a sick child or if I am sick I simply open up my computer and send an email to my manager. Then, I go to a website to log my time appropriately. I don’t even have to talk live to my manager, just send the email off to cyberspace.
With this in mind, I wonder how “younger” generations have developed a good conscious. For them, they have always had cell phones and email to deliver messages they rather not give via voice. My son and step-daughter BEG for a cell phone. My response has been, “Who would you call?” they call out a name. I then point to the landline phone and tell them they are more than welcome to use it. They try the “But what if something happens and I need to get in touch with you?” I ask them WHERE and WHEN are they that we don’t know where they are? They are 11. We are their personal chauffeurs. I know where they are, whom they are with because I am the delivery person. They don’t take the bus (like when I was young) or hardly even bike more than a few blocks away.
Ok, time for a Kris history story:
My pseudo stepsister (my dad and her mom were a couple, living together, but not married) and I have stories of these bus treks. Looking back we were 8 and 10 years old. One time, we got on the wrong direction of the bus from State Street (yes, we were 8 and 10 hanging out on state street on the weekends) and we ended up on the far west side. The Bus route was ending for the day and it wasn’t scheduled to go back to the downtown area. So, we got off the bus, looked over the neighborhood, chose a house, knocked on the door and simply asked if we could use their phone. The older couple let us in their home, let us use their phone and even plugged in the Atari game for us to play as we waited for a ride to pick us up. If anything, back THEN we needed a cell phone because our parents truly did not know WHERE we were.
I know there are many times I send off a text or an email that I probably wouldn’t SAY verbally. There used to be “drunk dialing” oh lord, now you have cell phones with built in camera. God help us all.
Now, trying to join technology with my own kids is oil and water in my mind. Do I really want them to text or email something that they wouldn’t say verbally? They are building their social networks and in the process of gaining freedoms. For me, adding in opportunities to be “loose” with their tongues (via text) could put them in situations they may not be ready for. Why make this teen thing happen any sooner than it already does? I want them to be mature and confident before they acquire tools that shrug off such responsibilities.
There are website just to help determine texting lingo. I dread the day when I see a message one of my kid’s types and I DON’T understand it.
http://www.lingo2word.com/
I may be a stick in the mud in the kid’s eyes, but if I can spare them reflections from their painful youth, it will be worth it.
With technology today, we have so many advantages that we didn’t years ago. Using email or texting now easily dodges a once painful conversation. We have all heard how Brett Favre retired (or was it unretired) via text – or maybe it was when he decided to play for the Vikings – either way, it was done via text. It wasn’t an awkward phone call or in front of a press conference.
In high school I worked at least 20 hours a week. But, I was still a teenager and sometimes I would be scheduled to work when my friends were planning an event that I was SURE would ruin me if I missed. So, everyone once in awhile, I had to “call in sick”. This wasn’t easily done. I would have to craft my excuse then contemplate how I would sound on the phone. There was always hesitation, some cold sweats and an adrenaline rush that came along doing such a scheme. Once the manager was on the phone, I would map out what I had planned in my head and then there would be the silence. Once they said “ok”, I was off the hook and ready to enjoy my sick time.
Today, if I have a DR appt, a sick child or if I am sick I simply open up my computer and send an email to my manager. Then, I go to a website to log my time appropriately. I don’t even have to talk live to my manager, just send the email off to cyberspace.
With this in mind, I wonder how “younger” generations have developed a good conscious. For them, they have always had cell phones and email to deliver messages they rather not give via voice. My son and step-daughter BEG for a cell phone. My response has been, “Who would you call?” they call out a name. I then point to the landline phone and tell them they are more than welcome to use it. They try the “But what if something happens and I need to get in touch with you?” I ask them WHERE and WHEN are they that we don’t know where they are? They are 11. We are their personal chauffeurs. I know where they are, whom they are with because I am the delivery person. They don’t take the bus (like when I was young) or hardly even bike more than a few blocks away.
Ok, time for a Kris history story:
My pseudo stepsister (my dad and her mom were a couple, living together, but not married) and I have stories of these bus treks. Looking back we were 8 and 10 years old. One time, we got on the wrong direction of the bus from State Street (yes, we were 8 and 10 hanging out on state street on the weekends) and we ended up on the far west side. The Bus route was ending for the day and it wasn’t scheduled to go back to the downtown area. So, we got off the bus, looked over the neighborhood, chose a house, knocked on the door and simply asked if we could use their phone. The older couple let us in their home, let us use their phone and even plugged in the Atari game for us to play as we waited for a ride to pick us up. If anything, back THEN we needed a cell phone because our parents truly did not know WHERE we were.
I know there are many times I send off a text or an email that I probably wouldn’t SAY verbally. There used to be “drunk dialing” oh lord, now you have cell phones with built in camera. God help us all.
Now, trying to join technology with my own kids is oil and water in my mind. Do I really want them to text or email something that they wouldn’t say verbally? They are building their social networks and in the process of gaining freedoms. For me, adding in opportunities to be “loose” with their tongues (via text) could put them in situations they may not be ready for. Why make this teen thing happen any sooner than it already does? I want them to be mature and confident before they acquire tools that shrug off such responsibilities.
There are website just to help determine texting lingo. I dread the day when I see a message one of my kid’s types and I DON’T understand it.
http://www.lingo2word.com/
I may be a stick in the mud in the kid’s eyes, but if I can spare them reflections from their painful youth, it will be worth it.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From the Tree
I have always thought that whatever we like the least about ourselves, we typically pass that onto our child ten fold. But I also think this goes with the most LIKEABLE traits we have. We aren’t always content enough to give ourselves credit when it comes to the good things we portray.
I watch my child struggle with homework and school work on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. Thanks goodness the subject matter has changed and he has gained strength in some areas. I could kick myself for being so lax in college, never studying until the night or morning of a test. Did I do that out of sheer laziness or was it actual impedance?
Recently, I was driving Noah to school and I was running late, had multiple work deadlines on my brain, forgot my lunch and umbrella and for some reason didn’t sleep very well. These are NOT excuses. These are somewhat daily occurrences that compacted all on the same day. This wasn’t just any day, this was a day when my tolerance to such stressors was at a low. Anyway, as we drove, an elderly person zigged and zagged in the 2 lanes ahead of me making me cautious to use the passing lane to get around them. Under my breath, I let out “Argh, can you go in a straight line you old fart”. Form the back seat, a condescending voice emerged, “Mom, that is someone’s dad, someone’s grandpa – how do you think they would feel knowing you said something so rude?” Gee, where have I heard THAT expression before? Yes, from my own lips. I guess he does listen and does understand how saying something can affect others around him. Score 1 point for my parenting skills!
As he hurries through everything he possibly does and I ask him to slow down, again, I am blaming myself for my own impatience. I get so focused on something and have to have it NOW, that I don’t always do proper checks and balances of need/want. Buyer’s remorse is part of my normal occurrences.
I don’t remember a time when I was confident of my physical body, EVER. Those that know me very well, know the story of my dad taking me to the County Seat in 1983 to get new jeans. As I wanted the relaxed fit, pleaded Lee Riders he protested that LEVI’s were a better quality. So, as he tried to get the stiff, starched, scratchy denim up and over my thighs, he said “If I could just get them over your thunder thighs…”. No, that didn’t leave any scaring at all.
I went past Noah bedroom recently, a bit after bedtime, and he was on the floor doing sit ups. I asked what he was doing. He said he wanted his belly to be flat. Trying to be open minded, I asked why. He said he didn’t want a fat belly anymore. It broke my heart. How do you explain to an 11 year old that hasn’t hit puberty yet that his body will be different some day. But, I think back to my own upbringing and the LITTLE physical exercise my family encouraged. So, I told him that his body was just what it needed to be for his age and size. I told him if he wanted to start using weights and exercise I could show him some things. I didn’t want to give him the classic mom “NO” and make him feel like I disregarded his feelings. I know what it is like to stand in a dressing room at age 9 and 36 with tears.
What else do we have in common?
We both seem to identify and cheer for the underdog.
We are very conscious of our surroundings and are able to take the temperature of the person nearest to us without even having a conversation.
We use manners whenever possible.
We can let others know our mood by just one flash of the eyes/face.
We struggle when people don’t like us, and will sometimes make poor choices to get that person to change their opinion.
Love animals and pets.
Love to make others laugh.
We both even have a fondness for Eminem.
I have no regrets in what I have passed on to Noah. If anything, it makes me want to address my shortcomings to prove to him that some things truly are changeable. Watching him grow physically, mentally and spiritually is my biggest reward.
I watch my child struggle with homework and school work on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. Thanks goodness the subject matter has changed and he has gained strength in some areas. I could kick myself for being so lax in college, never studying until the night or morning of a test. Did I do that out of sheer laziness or was it actual impedance?
Recently, I was driving Noah to school and I was running late, had multiple work deadlines on my brain, forgot my lunch and umbrella and for some reason didn’t sleep very well. These are NOT excuses. These are somewhat daily occurrences that compacted all on the same day. This wasn’t just any day, this was a day when my tolerance to such stressors was at a low. Anyway, as we drove, an elderly person zigged and zagged in the 2 lanes ahead of me making me cautious to use the passing lane to get around them. Under my breath, I let out “Argh, can you go in a straight line you old fart”. Form the back seat, a condescending voice emerged, “Mom, that is someone’s dad, someone’s grandpa – how do you think they would feel knowing you said something so rude?” Gee, where have I heard THAT expression before? Yes, from my own lips. I guess he does listen and does understand how saying something can affect others around him. Score 1 point for my parenting skills!
As he hurries through everything he possibly does and I ask him to slow down, again, I am blaming myself for my own impatience. I get so focused on something and have to have it NOW, that I don’t always do proper checks and balances of need/want. Buyer’s remorse is part of my normal occurrences.
I don’t remember a time when I was confident of my physical body, EVER. Those that know me very well, know the story of my dad taking me to the County Seat in 1983 to get new jeans. As I wanted the relaxed fit, pleaded Lee Riders he protested that LEVI’s were a better quality. So, as he tried to get the stiff, starched, scratchy denim up and over my thighs, he said “If I could just get them over your thunder thighs…”. No, that didn’t leave any scaring at all.
I went past Noah bedroom recently, a bit after bedtime, and he was on the floor doing sit ups. I asked what he was doing. He said he wanted his belly to be flat. Trying to be open minded, I asked why. He said he didn’t want a fat belly anymore. It broke my heart. How do you explain to an 11 year old that hasn’t hit puberty yet that his body will be different some day. But, I think back to my own upbringing and the LITTLE physical exercise my family encouraged. So, I told him that his body was just what it needed to be for his age and size. I told him if he wanted to start using weights and exercise I could show him some things. I didn’t want to give him the classic mom “NO” and make him feel like I disregarded his feelings. I know what it is like to stand in a dressing room at age 9 and 36 with tears.
What else do we have in common?
We both seem to identify and cheer for the underdog.
We are very conscious of our surroundings and are able to take the temperature of the person nearest to us without even having a conversation.
We use manners whenever possible.
We can let others know our mood by just one flash of the eyes/face.
We struggle when people don’t like us, and will sometimes make poor choices to get that person to change their opinion.
Love animals and pets.
Love to make others laugh.
We both even have a fondness for Eminem.
I have no regrets in what I have passed on to Noah. If anything, it makes me want to address my shortcomings to prove to him that some things truly are changeable. Watching him grow physically, mentally and spiritually is my biggest reward.
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