Welcome to The Club

Welcome to the Club. We don’t recruit new members. We prefer not to have additional members. We are all here, not because of choice but because of circumstance.

Growing up, I had vaguely heard of this Club, but like a deep dark secret, it was quickly pushed out of my mind in hopes it didn’t exist. When I was 16, I watched a close friend become part of this club. As soon as she joined, something about her changed. She wasn’t always herself when she hung out with us “common folk”. She seemed distant, disengaged, and she grew very independent. There was a great sadness that surrounded her. When she did let loose and have fun, it seemed as though the other shoe would drop, and would be sentenced back into her internal jail of solace. I didn’t want to be part of her new club, I knew if I joined I would never be the same person and I wasn’t ready for that.


Like running through the rain, avoiding the drops as much as possible, I tried to steer clear of this new club. There was only the loss of one person that could push me over the cliff, head first into the club. I attempted preventative measures to avoid getting sucked in. I would go home and beg my mother to stop smoking. I tried anger, which being 16 was really easy to portray, “Why should I smell like an ashtray just because you smoke”. I tried disengagement, “Don’t come crying to me when they put you on a machine to breath for you”. I tried guilt, “Don’t you care if you know your grandchildren someday”. I tried positive reinforcement, “Look, Mom you CAN do this, you put the bottle down for over 15 years, I KNOW you can stop smoking”. She just couldn’t stop.

Looking back, I think my fear of joining this club sent me into a search of another “rock” in my life that would take care of me, nurture me and love me unconditionally. Getting married age 23 probably had something to do with this fear.


I was living in another state when my membership began. My mom was gone, thanks Emphysema. I had a husband and friends near me as I settled into The Club. As much as these people surrounded me with open hands and hearts, I couldn’t quite connect with them. Something inside me changed. I didn’t feel myself anymore. I grew distant, disengaged and I had just sadness around me. When my pseudo rock said to me “When will the old Kris come back, I miss and need her”, I felt like I was losing my mind. How could the person I was supposed to be “one” with be so far away emotionally, spiritually and mentally? As people tried to reach out to me, they would be at a loss for words, which made me feel like I had to comfort them. It was easier to just avoid conversations with people and just “be”. I avoided emotional movies and music – those were the last days of listening to Country Music.


I thank God I wasn’t an only child during the initiation period. I knew how my siblings felt because I felt it too. We were there for each other, unconditionally. We always took each other’s calls, no matter the time of night, just to be there.


I was thankful to see my friend on the inside of this Club. I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew, she knew, how I felt. She didn’t come to me and say she “was sorry”. She didn’t need to, I knew. Just having her near helped on so many occasions.


As time went on, I have seen more and more friends join this Club. Now, as I look at them, I know we are apart of a group that goes nameless, and we share a special bond.


If the time comes for you to join The Club, I will be here for you. What can I offer you as a new member? I will try to welcome you with kind eyes, open ears and stability. I won’t say, “I am sorry”, but instead I will say, “Stay sane”. I would do just about anything for you NOT to be part of the club, but since you are here, please know you are not alone.


Welcome to the Club.